When the boys arrived, our youngest was several months shy of his 4th birthday and way behind developmentally. Brandon spoke only a few words, was in diapers, and resisted eating solid food, instead existing for the most part on Pediasure. He was not affectionate and was very detached, treating us like we were there only to serve him and not listening to us at all. He acted as though it didn't matter where he was or who he was with, he just didn't care.
We began to address his speech deficits by requiring him to ask for certain things using a full sentence such as "may I have some milk, please?" He was very stubborn but we didn't give in and eventually he got with the program. We got him into speech therapy through the school district, placed him in a private pre-school, and enrolled him in the Kumon reading program. He's very smart, quickly picking things up and 16 months later he's a chatterbox with a growing vocabulary. His pre-school teacher cannot believe how far he's come, and we're pretty amazed as well.
With AH's great cooking and a lot of coaxing (and patience) we have conquered the solid food issue, even finding that Brandon tends to like spicy food. He wasn't on the growth charts when we got him, but he's now at 33% for his age group in both height and weight.
Potty training was something we waited to attempt until we'd established some trust, but when we did start in earnest it lasted only three weeks and boom! he was done! No accidents, no periods of regression, just done. He'll occasionally wet the bed, but it's usually due to getting liquids too late.
To address the attachment issues, I got us into a program called PCIT, or Parent Child Interactive Therapy. The program was very structured so even though a lot of it was stuff that AH and I practiced at home already, we had to go through all of the steps. In the end it proved very worthwhile and after six months of weekly sessions, we now have our charming, cuddly little love bug.
The discipline aspect has been more of a challenge. Brandon uses his charms to try to wiggle his way out of doing something, or to try to avoid being in trouble. We don't buy into his cute little act, but no matter how much we stress certain rules or how many times he's been in trouble for breaking them, nothing seems to deter him, yet. We have made progress in a number of areas, but we still have a long way to go with him.
Brandon is an absolute charmer, and just about everyone we encounter tells us how cute he is. He's a happy boy, very carefree and energetic with a huge, winning smile, We think he's pretty cute too, but not as cute as HE thinks he is! It's amazing to watch him work a room, and he's a TOTAL ladies' man! We're going to have to keep a close eye on our little Casanova, 'cause he's going to be T R O U B L E!
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Mr. Sensitive
I remember when I was a kid we had these toys called "super balls" that bounced with extreme energy off of any hard surface. This perfectly describes how our middle child, Andrew, was when he and the other boys arrived. He was five and at times he literally could not sit still. I guess in an effort to calm his ADHD, his previous foster home kept asking to have his meds increased, until the poor kid was on two different medications, one of them was 10 mg of Adderall. There were other times when he was calm and pretty focused, so right away we began to question the treatment, if not the diagnosis. Within weeks of coming, we convinced his Psychiatrist to cut the Adderall in half, and a month later we got it eliminated altogether. Our feeling was that Andrew's hyperactivity was due to anxiety and adding a stimulant like Adderall was making matters worse. That anxiety was environmental, not due to any chemical imbalance, and he soon calmed down... SOME!
Andrew truly is Mr. Sensitive. He wants to please, to be liked, to be accepted, to be LOVED! This can only happen when there's trust, so we embarked on a course of firm, consistent boundaries along with plenty of reassurance and love. To say there weren't tough times would be an understatement. Andrew set the bar high when it came to testing us. He is the classic goofball, the class clown, and it's so true what they say about clowns, they paint on the face to hide the pain. He was destructive to our belongings, was in trouble at school from day one, and had almost constant encopresis (which he would often then smear on the walls, or hide). It would take months for Andrew to feel secure enough to talk to us, and even then it had to take a trauma of sorts to get him to open up. There were a few times that we wished we'd handled a given situation differently, but there's no time to dwell because there's something new to deal with right around the corner. Through all of it Andrew presented this huggy, lovey, clingy little boy who knew he'd done wrong, but hoped he'd be forgiven. So often I wanted to just reach in and fix it all right then and there, but this kind of damage doesn't happen overnight, so we had no choice but to love him. FIRMLY.
Today's Andrew is much more at ease. His personality has shown through and he's a joy to be around... most of the time. He still has issues to work out, and he is a seven year old boy after all, but we can envision a happy life for him, and that is all that we hope for!
Andrew truly is Mr. Sensitive. He wants to please, to be liked, to be accepted, to be LOVED! This can only happen when there's trust, so we embarked on a course of firm, consistent boundaries along with plenty of reassurance and love. To say there weren't tough times would be an understatement. Andrew set the bar high when it came to testing us. He is the classic goofball, the class clown, and it's so true what they say about clowns, they paint on the face to hide the pain. He was destructive to our belongings, was in trouble at school from day one, and had almost constant encopresis (which he would often then smear on the walls, or hide). It would take months for Andrew to feel secure enough to talk to us, and even then it had to take a trauma of sorts to get him to open up. There were a few times that we wished we'd handled a given situation differently, but there's no time to dwell because there's something new to deal with right around the corner. Through all of it Andrew presented this huggy, lovey, clingy little boy who knew he'd done wrong, but hoped he'd be forgiven. So often I wanted to just reach in and fix it all right then and there, but this kind of damage doesn't happen overnight, so we had no choice but to love him. FIRMLY.
Today's Andrew is much more at ease. His personality has shown through and he's a joy to be around... most of the time. He still has issues to work out, and he is a seven year old boy after all, but we can envision a happy life for him, and that is all that we hope for!
Saturday, April 11, 2015
I want my name to be "Tracy!"
We were pretty lucky that our boys are fairly sweet-spirited and were not displaying a lot of anger when they arrived, at least not outwardly. The eldest, Nathan, was pretty sullen and withdrawn though, and didn't miss a chance to challenge us. He was presented to us as a boy with an intellectual disability and had been pretty much discarded by the system. Both bio parents are intellectually disabled and he has a lazy eye (unrelated to any other issue) so he appeared to be a kid who's not quite with it and no one in foster system did anything to find out what his capabilities actually were. We knew right away that he was a lot more intelligent than given credit for, and thankfully when we enrolled him in our school district his new teacher recognized this as well.
We found out right away Nathan was a problem solver, though not in a particularly positive manner. One of his first tricks was to swap the door handles on the doors to his bedroom and the bathroom. He had asked for a locking handle on his door (he was SEVEN at the time) and we of course said "no." Not one to take "no" for an answer, he got up in the middle of the night and went into the garage, got a screw driver, and disassembled both handles and then REASSEMBLED them on the doors the way the he wanted them. Needless to say we put a new lock on the garage door that required a key on both sides! Another time we caught him stacking furniture in the bedroom with the attic access so he could open the panel, IN THE DARK!!!
He was also very obsessive, mostly over an odd collection of items, including the access panels to the attics, batteries, nightlights, fans, heat/air conditioning registers, and smoke detectors, but also had a strange preoccupation with death. He would randomly ask strangers if their dog/mother/friend/almost anyone had died. One of our neighbors was asked if his mother died and the poor guy's mother had actually recently passed away! Talk about awkward, so we took them a basket of coffee as a token of appreciation for the gracious way in which he handled Nathan and the situation.
One other oddity was his preoccupation with certain tattoos on my arm and AH's shoulder. He would show affection (kissing, sniffing, etc.) to the tattoos as a means of showing affection to us while hugs and eye contact were generally avoided.
As we've worked with him to gain his trust through providing boundaries, structure, consistency, and love, his obsessive behaviors have diminished greatly and he has become a much happier child who is fairly easy to redirect. He can still make Eeyore seem like an optimist at times, but he is light years from where he was. He still steals and gets into stuff he's not supposed to, but to a much lesser degree, and he still shows affection to the tattoos although his affections are now more openly expressed.
His teacher has worked with him as well (and with us) to tap into his intellect that had to that point been sadly overlooked. When he came to us he had no academic baseline and was in a classroom for the severely disabled, in a poorly performing school, in a poorly performing school district, in a state ranked 42nd in education. He was in second grade and had no skills and no motivation to learn. His new teacher challenged him academically, engaged his social skills, and demanded presence and participation. We chose to keep him with this same teacher through his third grade year since she taught 1st - 3rd grade special needs kids and he was doing so well. We also enrolled him last year in the Kumon reading program to supplement what he was getting in the classroom. One other resource we took advantage of was having him see a renowned Neurologist which was paid for through AH's medical insurance. Diagnosis: Moderate Autism with developmental delays likely caused by his environment. All genetic testing came back normal! Armed with all of this, we were recently successful in arguing our case to have him moved to a higher functioning classroom environment next year which will be at our home school with the other two boys.
As the improvements in his sense of security developed, he began discarding his first name in favor of "Nate," and eventually settled on "Tracy." We can only surmise that "Nathan" (and "Nate") were too closely associated with his past and that he was seeking to distinguish this new life from his old life. We have no clue where the name "Tracy" came from, and he can't tell us how it came to be, but he has insisted on using the name for nearly a year now so when the adoption was finalized we changed not only his last name, but gave him "Tracy" for a middle name.
So Tracy it is, and all we want for him to be is the best "Tracy" he can be. We're overjoyed at his progress and boy that he is becoming!
We found out right away Nathan was a problem solver, though not in a particularly positive manner. One of his first tricks was to swap the door handles on the doors to his bedroom and the bathroom. He had asked for a locking handle on his door (he was SEVEN at the time) and we of course said "no." Not one to take "no" for an answer, he got up in the middle of the night and went into the garage, got a screw driver, and disassembled both handles and then REASSEMBLED them on the doors the way the he wanted them. Needless to say we put a new lock on the garage door that required a key on both sides! Another time we caught him stacking furniture in the bedroom with the attic access so he could open the panel, IN THE DARK!!!
He was also very obsessive, mostly over an odd collection of items, including the access panels to the attics, batteries, nightlights, fans, heat/air conditioning registers, and smoke detectors, but also had a strange preoccupation with death. He would randomly ask strangers if their dog/mother/friend/almost anyone had died. One of our neighbors was asked if his mother died and the poor guy's mother had actually recently passed away! Talk about awkward, so we took them a basket of coffee as a token of appreciation for the gracious way in which he handled Nathan and the situation.
One other oddity was his preoccupation with certain tattoos on my arm and AH's shoulder. He would show affection (kissing, sniffing, etc.) to the tattoos as a means of showing affection to us while hugs and eye contact were generally avoided.
As we've worked with him to gain his trust through providing boundaries, structure, consistency, and love, his obsessive behaviors have diminished greatly and he has become a much happier child who is fairly easy to redirect. He can still make Eeyore seem like an optimist at times, but he is light years from where he was. He still steals and gets into stuff he's not supposed to, but to a much lesser degree, and he still shows affection to the tattoos although his affections are now more openly expressed.
His teacher has worked with him as well (and with us) to tap into his intellect that had to that point been sadly overlooked. When he came to us he had no academic baseline and was in a classroom for the severely disabled, in a poorly performing school, in a poorly performing school district, in a state ranked 42nd in education. He was in second grade and had no skills and no motivation to learn. His new teacher challenged him academically, engaged his social skills, and demanded presence and participation. We chose to keep him with this same teacher through his third grade year since she taught 1st - 3rd grade special needs kids and he was doing so well. We also enrolled him last year in the Kumon reading program to supplement what he was getting in the classroom. One other resource we took advantage of was having him see a renowned Neurologist which was paid for through AH's medical insurance. Diagnosis: Moderate Autism with developmental delays likely caused by his environment. All genetic testing came back normal! Armed with all of this, we were recently successful in arguing our case to have him moved to a higher functioning classroom environment next year which will be at our home school with the other two boys.
As the improvements in his sense of security developed, he began discarding his first name in favor of "Nate," and eventually settled on "Tracy." We can only surmise that "Nathan" (and "Nate") were too closely associated with his past and that he was seeking to distinguish this new life from his old life. We have no clue where the name "Tracy" came from, and he can't tell us how it came to be, but he has insisted on using the name for nearly a year now so when the adoption was finalized we changed not only his last name, but gave him "Tracy" for a middle name.
So Tracy it is, and all we want for him to be is the best "Tracy" he can be. We're overjoyed at his progress and boy that he is becoming!
Friday, April 10, 2015
The storms arrive
So here we are, an average middle-aged gay couple in a long term relationship (13 years - there's no significance to that number, or is there?) about to lay eyes on the three little brothers that we've inquired about. We found them in our adoption agency's "catalog" as well as on the California Kids Connection website. They were also among the "un-adoptable" kids featured by Wendy's Wonderful Kids. When I first spoke with the WWK recruiter she more or less brushed me off, even snickering a little at my assertion that our backgrounds would provide a great source of support for us in dealing with the boys. To be fair, she had not read our home study at this point, these guys had had only ONE inquiry in almost 3 years and that (young) couple didn't last 30 minutes with them before they told the social worker that they wouldn't be able to handle the boys. After some insistence on our part the plan was for us to meet the boys, spend some time a couple of evenings a week with them if we wanted to proceed, then move up to overnight stays, and eventually permanent placement.
We met our WWK recruiter at a McDonald's Playspace near where the boys lived a few minutes before they were to arrive with their foster parents. We watched as they came in and ran straight for the play space while the foster parents made little effort to supervise while the food was ordered. After their food was brought in the WWK recruiter introduced us to them and we immediately felt a connection. They were very curious and engaged us right away. At the same time we were put off by the very strange behaviors of the foster parents, who kind of creeped us out, and we watched as the foster mom sat at the table barking commands while the boys paid absolutely no attention to her. The boys were out of control and had no boundaries, but they were clearly craving love. When AH and I got in the car we looked at each other and, knowing that we couldn't leave them in the situation they were in, said almost simultaneously "these are our kids."
Our first outing was two days later, on September 30th, 2013. We went to a great kid friendly park near downtown, followed by pizza at one of our favorite pizza places. It was awkward, and the kids' interest seemed to be only in what toys, etc. they could get from us. Our second outing was two days later to the same park (they insisted) and they were much more out of control this time. I managed to break my foot while chasing our youngest, who was three at the time, and it was then that I started really seeing the storm clouds on the horizon.
We quickly moved on to the overnight stays and in anticipation put away anything in the house that we didn't want to have broken, or so we thought. Within 5 minutes of their arrival (they were dropped off by the foster parents) they were running through the living room and knocked over a lamp that held deep sentimental value. It smashed to pieces on the floor and I stood for a second looking at it, then looked at the boys, and realized that stuff was stuff and nothing was more precious than these little lives that we were committing to.
The Tornadoes had arrived!
We met our WWK recruiter at a McDonald's Playspace near where the boys lived a few minutes before they were to arrive with their foster parents. We watched as they came in and ran straight for the play space while the foster parents made little effort to supervise while the food was ordered. After their food was brought in the WWK recruiter introduced us to them and we immediately felt a connection. They were very curious and engaged us right away. At the same time we were put off by the very strange behaviors of the foster parents, who kind of creeped us out, and we watched as the foster mom sat at the table barking commands while the boys paid absolutely no attention to her. The boys were out of control and had no boundaries, but they were clearly craving love. When AH and I got in the car we looked at each other and, knowing that we couldn't leave them in the situation they were in, said almost simultaneously "these are our kids."
Our first outing was two days later, on September 30th, 2013. We went to a great kid friendly park near downtown, followed by pizza at one of our favorite pizza places. It was awkward, and the kids' interest seemed to be only in what toys, etc. they could get from us. Our second outing was two days later to the same park (they insisted) and they were much more out of control this time. I managed to break my foot while chasing our youngest, who was three at the time, and it was then that I started really seeing the storm clouds on the horizon.
We quickly moved on to the overnight stays and in anticipation put away anything in the house that we didn't want to have broken, or so we thought. Within 5 minutes of their arrival (they were dropped off by the foster parents) they were running through the living room and knocked over a lamp that held deep sentimental value. It smashed to pieces on the floor and I stood for a second looking at it, then looked at the boys, and realized that stuff was stuff and nothing was more precious than these little lives that we were committing to.
The Tornadoes had arrived!
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Here goes!
Throughout the nearly 15 years that he and I have been together, my Amazing Husband (I'll use AH for short, in a nod to our friend Washingtina who refers to her Wonderful Husband as WH on her blog) and I have discussed having children. This past Friday, April 3rd, 2015, was the culmination of all of those years of yearning and discussing as we finalized our adoption of three young brothers who were placed with us in a foster to adopt situation back on November 15th, 2013.
To say we were overjoyed would be an understatement! We were joined in the courtroom by 30 or so family members (some from other parts of the country), friends, co-workers, neighbors, and classmates who were there to support us and witness the completion of our family. The following day, the village expanded to around 100 who attended a huge celebration at our home, complete with kid crafts, a caricature artist, tons of balloons, food, and happiness. The emotions are still riding high and a bit overwhelming for all of us.
My intent for this blog is to share the day-to-day joys and challenges of a middle-aged gay couple raising three boys who are now 5, 7, and 9 years old, and who were described by some close friends back in those early days as being "feral children" and given the nickname "The Three Tornadoes!" We've all come a long way in the nearly 18 months that they've been with us, and we are now a family in every sense of the word. As I blog here, I hope to reveal more about who we all are, and who we are becoming, as we continue on this amazing journey!
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